30 Tall Tales #3: The Great Colonel Sanders Heist

There have been many memorable thefts, robberies and heists throughout human history. The 1963 Great Train Robbery in England. The Boston Brinks Job which occurred around the corner from my North End apartment in 1950. And the lesser known 1996 pilfering of the cardboard likeness of one certain southern gentleman and fried chicken magnate – Colonel Harland Sanders – from the Kentucky Fried Chicken on Stone Road in Guelph, Ontario.

We were young, and we were tacky. Our house was plastered with beer paraphenalia and movie posters. Many of us were also usually plastered. Our kitchen boasted two huge wall hangings – Bob Marley and De Niro in Taxi Driver. We had a portrait of all the house’s inhabitants hanging prominently in the front hall. The addition of Harlan didn’t seem like such an aesthetic stretch when JJV called a house meeting and hatched his evil plan on that cold day in March. A plan to snatch the Colonel right out of his own sanctuary – KFC.

Jason had been in the KFC earlier that same day, and had immediately become smitten with the life size cardboard cut out of Colonel Sanders which greeted customers just inside the front door. The plan was simple. A textbook snatch-n-grab. Nick, Richie, J and I would pull up behind a fence which bordered the back KFC parking lot. We’d wait in my van, with the engine running, while J ran inside and liberated the Colonel’s effigy.

We thought the plan would go off without a hitch… so it was a good thing that it did. J ran into the restaurant wearing a black wool toque and his best Canadian Tuxedo (full denim ensemble). There was a young girl working behind the counter, and several people waiting off to the side for their orders. Jason simply said “Hello” before grabbing the Colonel, folding him in half and darting back out the front door.

We waited back in the car and snapped some photos of his escape. I peeled out of there like Jim Rockford himself was in hot pursuit, and we took the long way back to 113 Janefield to make sure we weren’t followed. Why we thought that the police, Kentucky Fried Mercenaries or anyone else would be interested in chasing 4 shitheads for a piece of cardboard is beyond me all these years later. But it sure was fun.