Appetizer – Have you been sick this winter? What did you have?
July 4th weekend I came down with the most awful case of strep throat imaginable. I had old friends in town, and three nights of parties planned, so I grinned and beared it like a little tipsy trooper. Come Monday, after 4 straight late nights on the razz, I could hardly even speak. I dragged myself over to MGH’s emergency room and sat down to wait. I started watching Uncle Buck on a wall-mounted television from the paleozoic era, and before I knew it, John Candy had tearfully won over Macaulay Culkin’s older sister and the nurse was calling my name. The doctor sat me down and explained he’d need to take a swab and then have me wait for another hour or two while they determined if it was indeed strep. I shook my head, pointed at my lips and opened my mouth so he could see the carnage for himself. A look of horror and revulsion washed over his face as he reached for his prescription pad and then sent me on my way. I’ve been sick 3 times since then and have decided to start paying for chewing gum rather than hunt for it under tabletops.
Soup – What colors dominate your closet?
Black, grey and forest green. I misread the ‘dominate’ part and briefly thought you were going to try and make me admit that there’s also a leather mask, stirrups and a red ball gag in there. Thank God that didn’t happen.
Salad – How would you describe your personal “comfort zone”?
As finally not including Cheez Whiz & Jalapeno enemas. I’ve tried to kick them… but they call out to me in the night as I sweat in my bed. One day at a time.
Main Course – On which reality show would you like to be a contestant?
Is there one called “Systematically Kick Every Former Cast Member of the Real World in the Teeth?” Keep me posted.
Dessert – Which holiday would you consider to be your favorite?
Thanksgiving. Because I’m Canadian and I get to celebrate it twice. Stay tuned for the long awaited photos from November. I’ll get to them this weekend. Here’s a spoiler: We ate turkey and drank a lot of beer. But you didn’t hear that from me, OK?
Appetizer – Have you been sick this winter? What did you have?
Yah – the only time I have emerged from my pain cave is for food or drink (usually both together). Everyone says “Bryan where have you been… I haven’t seen you in ages”. Well – I haven’t been feeling too good. Sleeping a lot – always tired – not motivated – libido nonexistent. I thought I had mono – turns out I am just really depressed.
Soup – What colors dominate your closet? Knock Knock – Who’s There – Fuck Off out of My Closet.
Salad – How would you describe your personal “comfort zone”? The Great Wall of China – It is there, it is big, it exists, you can even see it from space – but did it really fulfill its purpose. Was it truly functional – I think not – throughout history it seems to have attracted more invaders and infidals than discourage them plus it has felt more dirty feet walk all over it than a square dancing floor out of ChickenBone, KY. There you have it – My personal comfort zone.
Take note though – I usually have a good attitude about it. On good days my comfort zone attitude is comparable to the sun shining on my face while swimming in a lagoon surrounded by tiny seahorses… makes you wanna giggle even though realistically I am being violated. That is very rare though. Lately my ‘comfort zone’ attitude has been more or less like that feeling you get when you have nasty cold mud stuck between your toes.
Main Course – On which reality show would you like to be a contestant? Growin Up Gotti – Those kids need a serious ear boxing – never have seen such stupid obnoxious little brats. They are enough to make Ghandi start eating, Mother Theresa curse, and see the Pope get pissed off – all in the same day. You see the one where they went camping.
Dessert – Which holiday would you consider to be your favorite?
New Years Eve – because I never remember it therefore I never have to worry about feeling guilty about what I did. I mean I typically just black straight out on NYE -like the time I ended up in a Salem holding cell. You would think that alone would have made me put the bottle down. “Propane Propane… Time to Start The Flame” just for you Trailer Park Boys fans.
I don’t want to accuse you of writing a depressing post, Monster – but part of me is contemplating walking calmly behind a strip mall and then shooting myself in the neck between the dumpsters.