The usual source of the quizzlets is once again sucking hind tit, self-admittedly using “leftover” questions this week – all of which I’ve answered before here on PITF. So I’m thinking up my own. It’s relevant, it’s hep, it’s seasonal and it’s interactive. Although it is late in the day, and many have you have already mentally checked out for the weekend, play along if you please. And if not, go pork a wreath.
Top Five Holiday Songs EVAH.
5. The Chipmunk Song – The Chipmunks: Human counterpart “Dave” encourages Alvin and the rest of his little rodent gang to wish for more peace and love, and less hula hoops, during the holiday season. It’s catchy, and ever so frigging creepy at the same time. Here’s a Flash parody that will immediately make you want to bathe.
4. Little Drummer Boy – David Bowie and Bing Crosby: On his yearly Christmas special in 1977, Bing asked Bowie, whom he’d never heard of but had been advised was big with ‘the kids’, to join him for this classic duet. Crosby died a month later, and nobody saw this until after his death which added to the already oozing sentimentality. Personally, I’m glad that Bing got one last chance to prove that he could entertain children just as well as he could beat them. I kid Bing. He was awesome.
3. Christmas in Hollis – Run DMC: During their 80s heyday, the guys put together this yuletide hip-hop single that was the first and last of its kind. Here’s the thing – it’s surprisingly a very, very good tune. I loved it as a kid, and it holds up well over time. I buy into the fact that Santa visits the hood as regularly as he does any other neighborhood. I don’t buy into the fact that collard greens should be served with Christmas dinner or that the pre-religious Run would have returned Santa’s wallet.
2. Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Dean Martin: If you know me, you know of my eternal love of Dino. That having been prefaced, this song could have easily been called I Know you Don’t Want to Fuck me, but it’s Really Frigging Cold Outside. Listen to Dean coax his ladyfriend into staying for “one cigarette more” due to the raging elements that await her outside. The raging erection is most definitely inside, and Dean’s going to be dammed if he lets his folly leave before there’s egg nog all over her green sweater. In all seriousness, this is a cute classic that I always pull out this time of year.
1. Fairytale of New York – The Pogues: I’ll say it – This is hands down the best Christmas song that has ever been written. Shane MacGowan and the late Kirsty MacColl trade sentiments and then jabs in a booze-soaked yuletide slugfest. Any song that can bring me to tears every year, which also rhymes ‘maggot’ with ‘faggot‘, has something just a little special going on. This year marks the 5th anniversary of Kirsty’s tragic death, and the single is being re-released with all proceeds going to her charity. There is also a documentary about the strange story behind the song airing on the BBC next week. The best of the best, this song will be featured on Radio Pye next week for the uninitiated.
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is my all time favorite holiday song! Something about Deano’s voice that is so damn sexy. I’d have another cigarette to spend a little more time with him!
You’d have a pool of egg nog in the small of your back by 11:45.
Hey, Aubs baby. That’s some koo-koo Christmas cheer you got bouncing around in your pretty little noggin. I bet Santa and all his reindeer could use your help steerin that crazy sleigh, baby. Now come squat on my face.
Deano,
Only if you let me see your chestnuts first!
Aubs my baby,
I love you and I don’t mean maybe.
Like Santa,
I’m knocking and I wanna come in.
To leave melted snowflakes on your chin.
Deano Darlin’,
Your cigarette breath is snarlin’
Another drink or two for you,
and I don’t think melting snowflakes is anything you’ll be up to do.
But I’m a patient girl, so I’ll give you one more chance.
Drop them pants to the floor and let me see those chestnuts dance.
Aubs,
I’ve been chasing you a long, long time,
You’re on my couch and I’m plying you with wine.
This thing should be a cinch,
So I’ll pull out “The Grinch”.
To squirt a worm on you, in a straight line.
Deano,
Keep on chasing me baby.
It will take more than just wine.
I’m sorry, my darling, I didn’t hear you correctly.
Did you say you had just an inch?
Cause that’s really not fine.
Aubs,
No baby, I said “Grinch”,
From the old Christmas tale.
And he’d leave your face looking like,
You’d been out in a gale.
Afterwards I’d pour egg nog,
And throw logs on the blaze.
Before giving you a towel,
To wipe off the yuletide glaze.
Oh Deano, my friend, you silly drunken fool.
All this talk about eggnog and glaze is making me drool.
I hope you have saved some strength for later on, cause that “Grinch” of yours is gonna need a tug.
Tell me, do you use your left or right arm?
Aubs,
I won’t have time to tug my root,
You’ll be nibbling like its cheese.
If you were a hungry little rat,
With Lou Gherig’s disease.
I’ll make a date to whack it soon,
Sometime after New Years.
When you’re done gobbling my turkey,
After gooning 8 beers.
Deano,
With all that sweet talk how can a girl decline?
Oh wait, I think its just the 8 glasses of wine.
You’re finally going to get your way, you filthy swine.
And to think I thought you were a sweet guy all this time.
But alas it is Christmas, the season of giving,
So on your knees there big guy, pretend its Thanksgiving.
You don’t get yours until I get mine first.
Oh, and while you’re down there, howsabout you sing your song, verse for verse.
You win, you little trollup,
I’ll munch the ‘ill na na’.
But can you shear the thing first?
I think I heard it say “Baaa”.
After that I’m “all in”,
Like poker players once said.
But 2 minutes ago I thought,
There was a wookie in the bed.
I’ve heard about how you don’t know your ass from your elbow.
The ‘ill na na’ is south baby, way down below.
In your drunken stupor you’re trying to tongue my ear.
That was my luscious hair in your mouth my dear.
This is taking too long.
I’m losing my heat.
I’m off find Frank,Sammy,Joey or Pete….