Has anyone else noticed that the evil girl (Ellen Page) in the new movie Hard Candy is Treena Lahey from Trailer Park Boys? Remember in Seasons one and two Mr. Lahey had a daughter living with him who wasn’t allowed to hang out with Ricky? Just me? OK. Well regardless, that’s her. I liked this movie a lot better when it was called Poison Ivy/The Crush but good for Ellen! She’s also in X3. Another Canuck on the foreward invasion force.
Television
Trailer Park Boys Return To Glory.
Before we get started, the second weigh-in of the PITFPAC is tomorrow morning – sharpish! If you lollygag, pussyfoot or otherwise slack on getting me figures, you’ll be culled from the determined flock of 15 and left to wallow in your own porktralesence.
Every year around this time, my beloved Trailer Park Boys begins another series on Showcase in Canada. Through devious and piradacious means, I get to watch them about 12 hours after they premier. I was quite unimpressed with Season 5, and lost a lot of my TPB zeal. You could say I feared they had truly jumped the shark somewhere around the introduction of Conky in Season 4. But I take it all back. Season 6 is killing me thus far. I found this graphic yesterday, someone obviously took the TPB characters and morphed them into South Park cartoons, and I knew it was time to write about the new hotness…
I am just going to bulletpoint a few things that have happened in the first 2 episodes The Way of the Road and The Cheeseburger Picnic. Fans of the show will ‘get it’, and people who haven’t seen it will be so morbidly transfixed by these statements that they’ll be forced to rush out and get the DVDs for Seasons 1-5.
– Bubbles opens a day care center for cats called “KittyLand”. While he is currently working for free, as he owns about 30 of them anyways, he hopes to eventually make some cash caring for other people’s. He’s built a mini amusement park on the front lawn of his shed and it looks ridiculous.
– Julian made $8200 selling potato vodka in jail, and also got his real estate license during his last stint. He buys a run-down trailer from Barb Lahey in episode 1 and now intends to ‘flip’ them for an honest living.
– J-Roc has 2 pregnant “Baby Momma’s” living with him and T-Bone, and is also trying to go legit. No longer stealing groceries or rapping, J-Roc seems to be trying to get in on the whole real estate thing with Julian.
– Ricky and his father Ray have developed a new scheme – stealing garbage. “Once it’s at the curb, it’s garbage“. So naturally they pull a lot of lawn furniture down to the end of people’s driveways when they’re not home and then come back for it later. The garbage strategy is becoming a problem for his reconciliation with Lucy, because “He always smells and bees follow him everywhere“.
– Randy and Mr. Lahey break up. Jim moves in with his ex-wife Barb to sober up, and Randy starts spending a lot of time with two local cops. Lahey mixes iced tea into his rye bottles to appear drunk when he’s really sober, and plans to lull the boys into a false sense of security and then get them out of the park once and for all. Lucy tries to seduce the cops at the park’s first annual Cheeseburger picnic with her hot dog eating techniques, but they seem more interested in Bo-Bandy. Sam Losco also crashes the proceedings.
– Sarah, Corey and Trevor, still dating as a threesome, open a convenience store in a shed in the park. It seems like a good idea, as Bubbles in particular is always going down there for “pop n’ chips“, but everyone’s credit seems to be great at this particular store, and I don’t see it ending well for park commerce.
– Ray gets kicked out of the park for his urine disposal methods. A former trucker, Ray claims that pissing into 2 liter jugs and then throwing them into the tree on his property is simply “The Way of the Road”. Bubbles thinks that “firing pissy jugs into the forest isn’t the way of any fuckin’ road“. Randy and the cops agree, and Ray has to take his detached semi sleeper cab and move to the nearby dump.
I couldn’t make this shit up. Welcome back TPB, and I can’t wait to see the movie this summer. See the hilarious trailer here. BTW – a Saturday afternoon North End Season 6 marathon is forthcoming as soon as I get a few more of them. And you didn’t hear this from me, but you can download them yourselves via torrent here. Stay tuned for an afternoon of rye, chicken fingers and pepperoni very soon…
Everybody’s #1 At Something.
Unfortunately, it’s not “sleeping with Angelina Jolie” or “crapping $100 bills” today. Rather, my silly little Trailer Park Boys Squidoo lens has reached #1 in the top 100 – out of several hundred thousand. It’s kind of a big deal. Here’s where the screenshot for posterity comes in. In your fucking face, ‘Grandmothers Rule’:
I need some Squidoo methadone, stat. Methadoo.
Wednesday Wadio: Bubble’s ‘Liquor And Whores’.
“Oh I’m fucking excited alright! There are probably all kinds of record company people there and I’m hoping if I sing some of my songs they might want to sign me to a record deal and I could become a big Country & Western star. Liquor and Whores is always a big hit down at the legion so you never know!” – Bubbles
Before the launch of the Trailer Park Boys 5th Season this time last year, the three main actors – Rob Wells (Ricky), John Paul Tremblay (Julian) and Mike Smith (Bubbles) did a nationwide promotional tour of Canada. At a radio station in Ontario, Bubbles offered to sing a song in the middle of an interview and it quickly became a cult classic. That resulting diddy is the focus of Radio Pye today, you lucky people.
“Liquor and Whores” is really one for the ages. The protagonist meets a girl while he’s “drinkin’ at the Legion” and the conversation quickly turns to marriage. Speedy courtships aside, our hero warns that before the nuptuals take place, there’s something she really needs to know about him. Listen to the song to discover the shocking secret, and please try not to faint.
You can also watch Conky sing the tune in a truly disturbing Flash movie if you’ve got that much free time. Forget the booze and the loose women – If you’re a fan of cigarrettes, dope, baloney or mustard you’re in the right place. The Legion, apparently.
Who Has My Trailer Park Boys DVDs?
It doesn’t pay to be free and easy with your DVD lending as I am coming to learn. Actually I already knew that, so I guess I’m just a mark. Since just about everyone who may have been at my apartment at one time or another also reads this blog, who in the heck has my Seasons 1,2 & 3 Trailer Park Boys DVDs? The individual I thought had them swears he doesn’t, so either he is a lying liarson, or someone else is currently playing the ‘borrow something and forget to give it back’ game. I’m a simple man, but I do need those back in order to be truly happy. So please give (back) generously.
Trailer Park Boys Season 5 Starts Tonight!
The boys are back in town. How fucking excited am I?
Hard to believe it’s already been a year since we first met Conky and Steve French. And what’s in store for us this time around? According to Showcase’s official site, a whole fuckin’ whackload:
“Grandmothers in drug dens; wheelchair fraud arrests; nasty rap videos; stolen rocket launchers; break-ins at the local college; dope shipped in shopping carts; Lahey getting an award and probably the biggest gun fight in Canadian television history—and that includes King of Kensington.”
For my American friends who want to see what all the fuss is about, episodes are usually available for download via torrent here just a few hours after they’re aired in the Great White North. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’m looking forward to another summer in Sunnyvale.
How Not To Get Picked For American Idol.
I got an excited instant message from my sister last night, commanding me to Tivo American Idol. I immediately remembered why – her and her roomate, Aaron, went down to Washington over the summer so he could audition for the show. Those tapings were edited together into the beyond amusing 2 hour episode which was broadcast on Fox last night.
Aaron is a member of the Boston-based acapella group, Ball in the House, and I’ve seen them perform 4 or 5 times. They’re all really talented – especially Aaron. So when he was cut after surviving the first three eliminations we were all surprised. But after watching the show for the first time last night, it quickly became apparent why he wasn’t chosen. It’s less about talent, and more about your story, your appearence and how you’ll compliment the overall dynamic of the final group that is chosen.
In addition, based on photographs I got from Fox’s website last night, I’ve outlined a few more ways in which to increase your chances of getting chosen to go on to the final round:
First of all, don’t tempt fate. If you tell Simon and Randy that you borrowed bus fare to get to Washington, haven’t eaten in four days all the while smelling like fromunda cheese – they’re probably not going to want to spend much additional time near you, regardless of your talent. Also, don’t fashion kooky clothing in an attempt to better your odds: “Lady in the green t-shirt… I’m guessing… bust.” Some of the contestants get really mad after they’re dismissed and start hurling insults at Simon Cowell. There’s nothing wrong with that – it’s the reason most people watch the show. Listen up, guy on the upper right: if you want to get into a room with him in the first place, maybe don’t resemble Bernard Goetz so much next time.
Speaking of resemblences, a lot of the contestants dressed to resemble their favorite pop stars. There were Britneys, Alishas, Beyonces – I think I even spotted a Stefani or two. But making yourself up to look like your very bestest chanteuse, and then dressing like them to boot, is not a good way to express your individuality or uniqueness. No, that’s actually called ‘Halloween‘. Also, make sure that if you are going to attempt the impersonation strategy, your choice isn’t the principal from the Smokin’ In The Boys Room video.
Those were the major lessons I took away from last night’s installment. A few other quick notes: tell the screeners that you do have a day pass from your respective mental institution – even if you don’t. Be gay. If you have a lovely voice, put on a few pounds – say 400 – just to make it fair for everybody else. Wear your trailer park’s commemorative t-shirt – I heard Paula Abdul grew up in one. And above all else – never, ever, bathe prior to your big day. Good luck to us all.
Tough Crowd’s Last Episode – Guess Who?
I wanted to go into excruciating detail about our trip to NYC to see the last episode of Tough Crowd taping but had absolutely no time. What I’ll do is rewrite the previous article when I can properly do it justice.
In the meantime, here’s a screen shot from the final seconds of the show. When we arrived, they told us about a “bit” they were going to do at the very end. Colin Quinn read a snarky, petty, meanspirited and rambling goodbye, the regulars got up and walked out on him and then the audience followed. So basically, when Colin looks up from his notes – we were all gone and the studio was empty. It suited the celebratory yet sad mood of the evening, and you may even recognize two of the people walking down the stairs over Colin’s shoulder.
I captured this somewhat blurry picture from TiVo, but I imagine there’ll be a crystal clear “Best of Tough Crowd” DVD released – and this final scene is sure to be on it. And there you have Brunelli’s and my contribution to television history. For now.
Watch the final clip HERE.
Tough Crowd’s Last Episode Taping.
I’ve gotten 200 hits today from people looking for information on Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn’s last episode, so I want to post something before I lose consciousness. We were in the car for a total of 10 hours today, and I’m shattered right now – but I’ll get something up and add to it tomorrow.
It was pissing rain all the way from Boston to New York City. Our directions were terrible. We got so lost, that at one point we almost gave up. But we decided we’d come all this way and we were at least going to find Sony Studios and let them tell us to frig off. By some miracle of God we found our way to a parking garage in the neighborhood a good hour and a half after we were told to be at the taping. We fought our way through the drenched, Blade-Runner-esque umbrella congested streets until we found it – a small, plain looking building near 9th and West 53rd. As we jogged towards the building, we noticed a woman with a headset and called out to her as she was heading back inside.
“You’re too late. We’re already taping the first segment” she said. We calmly told her we’d driven all the way from Boston to see the show. She was impressed, and probably a little creeped out, but she made a call on her walkie and told us we’d be allowed in to sit on the steps between the rows of seats during the next break. We raced to the nearby bathroom and then got back to the stage door just in time to be let in.
I’ll add to this article tomorrow. In the meantime – there’s a picture of Los Angeles, 2019 taken quickly as we were hunting replicants. And a blurry photo of Colin I took without a flash before I was jumped on and beaten by a stage hand. Then, Brunelli, Keith Robinson and myself outside after the show. His handler didn’t want him to stop for the photo (he had a train to catch), but he smiled when we told him we’d driven from Boston and posed with us while she hailed a cab. None of the other regulars came outside (Colin was in a BAD mood), so Keith’s gesture was much appreciated. More detail tomorrow. What an exhausting day – but fully worth it.
Please Disperse: Tough Crowd’s Last Stand-Up.
We’re about to leave to drive to New York City for the travesty which is the final taping of Tough Crowd With Colin Quinn. We’ll trek three hours to get there, wait in the freezing cold for another two outside Sony Studios before getting right back in the car to drive home to Boston. Miserable. But nothing can make me feel worse today than knowing I won’t be able to watch this brilliant show ever again. So I just gots to be there.
I’ll give you a full report on this sad day when I get home tonight. All the regulars and folks who made the show what it is will be guests tonight: Jim Norton, Patrice O’Neal, Nick DiPaolo, Greg Giraldo etc. And I sincerely hope that Tough Crowd goes out with a bang. Comedy Central got this one all wrong, and they’ve lost me as a viewer. Not out of spite, either. There’s just nothing quite as funny on the network and I don’t like consolation prizes. Here’s hoping the show isn’t soon forgotton and ends up on another network. Regardless, thanks for the laughs, Quinn. We don’t all think you’re an unfunny hack, stupid.
For The Love Of Quinn: SAVE TOUGH CROWD!
A lot of people saw and commented – via blog or IM/e-mail – on my post last week regarding the cancellation of Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. If you haven’t read it, please do so and save us all some time this post around. The nutshell: brilliant, topical, bi-partisan, current event debate show featuring the finest stand-up comics working today which is being canceled on November 4th.
I was lucky enough to get a ticket to the final taping and will be traveling down from Boston with Brukkake on a little daytrip, but that’s a small comfort. An associate of frequent Tough Crowd guest Jim Norton and the related website CringeHumor.net, was one of the people who found my article on Google and contacted me. Yesterday he IM’d me again to let me know about a new site which I wanted to pass along to anyone who cares. And judging from my server logs, a surprising number of you do.
The main goal of SaveToughCrowd.com is to get fans to email decision makers at Comedy Central and let them know just how many people truly love and support the show. The email addresses provided include Doug Herzog: President & CEO, Marc Leonard: Vice President of Program & Promotions Scheduling, Debbie Beiter: Vice President of Production & On-Air Promotions and Peter Risafi: Senior Vice President of On Air Promotion & Off Air Creative. Please visit the site and send a message of your own. I have.
Tough Crowd is being canceled because it loses too much of the audience which watches the show preceding it: the formerly-hilarious-and-currently-partisan-but-always-reprehensible Daily Show with it’s host Jon Stewart (who isn’t fit to sniff Tucker Carlson’s bicycle seat). The official show-biz term is ‘hemorrhaging’. But in this case I’ll settle for ‘catering to lefty college students’. The underlying argument is that the show never got a fair shot, with 98% of all Comedy Central’s marketing thrown behind Crank Yankers, Wanda Does It, Chapelle’s Show and Blue Collar Comedy Hour. And, as a frequent watcher of the channel, I firmly agree. So please do your part.
But if you’re a big fan of Larry the Cable Guy – you’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about.
Colin Quinn’s Toughest Crowd: Comedy Central.
Colin Quinn gets a bad rap. (Update: more than a decade after I wrote this he’s become a best-selling author and has also conquered Netflix, Broadway and dominated every roast he’s ever been asked to participate in. He doesn’t need my misguided sympathy anymore.) So I’m going to tell you why I’m a big Quinn supporter, and an enormous fan of his Comedy Central show – “Tough Crowd” – which I was recently horrified to hear is in grave danger of being canceled.
A friend of mine, Troy, grew up with Quinn’s younger brother, Mike, in NYC. And I have it on very good authority that Colin is beyond a great guy. I love the fact that he messes up his lines. I love the fact that he mumbles and constantly self-depreciates. He’s a tough, salty, stand-up comedian who’s been walking the boards with uncomfortably sized balls since he was a teenager. And he truly cares about and intuitively understands the state of the planet today.
A lot of people don’t “get” him. But I find his uncomfortable, choppy, blue-collar style to be unique and honest – and have since I first saw him on MTV’s Remote Control in 1988. I had a comedy special he did for MTV, “Colin Quinn Goes Back to Brooklyn” on VHS and watched it for years. I wish I still had it. Anyway, my point is – me and Colin go way back. (Update: Some absolute saint of a human being has uncovered and uploaded B2B since I first wrote this post 11 years ago):
“Then use the fish as a reward!”
Tough Crowd is, in no uncertain terms, a brilliant show which we desperately need. That show used to be Jon Stewart’s Daily Show before it turned into the “Jon-Stewart-shows-a-clip-of-a-politician-he-doesn’t-agree-with-and-smirks-pompously-for-a-laugh” show. The Daily Show in the era of Steve Carell was one of the most consistently funny things on TV. But it’s become little more than a mildly disguised partisan send-up and I just can’t watch it anymore. I don’t refuse to indignantly – I simply can’t.
I would have also stopped watching the Daily Show if it had swung exclusively to the right instead. If I wanted to remain unchallenged, and have my opinion spoon-fed to me like pablum, I’d watch The O’Reilly factor while snorting Xanax or read nothing but the New York Times. Partisan comedy is not dangerous. It’s not challenging. And it’s most certainly not funny.
Enter Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. If you haven’t seen it, it’s on Comedy Central every weeknight at 11:30 p.m. – or at least it will be for a few more weeks. The format is as follows: Four little-to-fairly well known celebrities, usually enviable veteran stand-ups who’ve been on the circuit for years and are extremely quick on their feet, sit facing each other while Quinn poses questions dealing with current events to which they then hash/lash out. It’s unscripted, save for the occasional skit-like segment, it’s brash, offensive to those who choose it to be, envelope-pushing, no-holds-barred and hilarious.
No one is safe, and no punches are pulled. The guests are from all walks of life – blacks, whites, hispanics, gays, liberals, conservatives etc. – and it can get pretty vicious. In one episode I sincerely thought Dennis Leary was going to punch Greg Giraldo in the face. In another Judy Gold (a Liberal/Jewish/Lesbian) took on Patrice O’Neal (a Black/(arguably) Conservative/Bostonite) in a battle over whose people have been more oppressed over the years. They hit hard, and they’re honest, and they’re always funny.
The Infamous Giraldo vs. Leary Encounter
There’s always an underlying respect among the guests – perhaps because many of them know each other from slugging it out on the brutal national comedy circuit for years – which makes this entire exercise possible and productive. There’s never any political correctness or sugar-coating, and everyone always walks away friends. It’s a bit tough to describe, and I suppose the main point of this article is to get you, dear reader, to watch the show and form your own opinion. (Update: the show has been off-air for a decade but luckily there’s a wealth of archival footage. The interwebnets are a beautiful thing.)
I read that the reason Comedy Central wants to cancel Tough Crowd is because it doesn’t retain enough of Jon Stewart’s Daily Show audience which precedes it at 11 p.m. To me that is tragic. To me that’s akin to canceling a Dylan show because everyone is going to leave after the opening act, N’Sync. I’m not criticizing Stewart’s lefty audience. I am criticizing those members of his audience that are sitting in their high chair waiting for Mom to open that next jar of Gerber‘s, skewing the demographics. And I am vehemently criticizing Comedy Central for catering to them.
Tough Crowd is like watching your friends, who all love and respect each other, argue in a bar on a Friday night. They speak their mind, they challenge each other’s opinions, and they all leave friends. Debate is healthy and we all need it in our lives. I cherish Tough Crowd, but it looks like the curtain is falling. Kudos to Colin – I’ll be watching wherever you end up.
A Mountain Lion Named Steve French
What do Samsquantches, Viagara burgers, potato guns and mountain lions have in common? And who the hell is Steve French?
In episode 6 of Trailer Park Boys season 4, man and nature collide in a sensitive vignette entitled “If You Love Something Set It Free“. And it’s one of the all-time funniest – I’d put it in my top 5. You may wonder why this warrants a blog entry. Well, considering that, in the last 3 months, I’ve written about garlic festivals, Tinkerbell Hilton and Ashton Kutcher – dope addicted mountain lions shouldn’t seem like that much of a stretch.
I linked to an episode recap above, so I’ll spare you another here. But quickly – Something has been eating the boys’ dope field (Bubbles thinks it’s a ‘Samsquantch’) but upon further investigation it turns out to be a mountain lion. Bubbles, who is absolutely infatuated with all-things-kitty, slaps a choker chain on it and becomes determined to “wean it off the dope”. He names the lion “Steve French” because he thinks its whiskers make it look like a French Canadian. That line alone is worth the price of admission.
I love this episode because in addition to being ridiculously funny (Trevor gets raped by Steve French after he eats some Viagara burgers Randy is preparing for Mr. Lahey, among many other things) it’s a perfect example of the sort of ‘heart’ that makes this show so enduring and special. Look for the scene at the end when Ricky and Julian start to cry when Bubbles has to let Steve French go back into the wild in particular. It joins the ranks of the most touching scenes in the show’s history – right up there with Jim Lahey’s slurred speech after the trailer park supervisior election, Ricky choosing to buy Trina her encyclopedias and kiss Lahey’s bare ass rather than use the money to buy his own trailer and Bubbles’ soliloquy after the boys accidentally burn down his shed.
To the uninitiated: if the above paragraph sounds too ridiculous to be believed, it’s because it is. Thurday nights on BBC America. I can’t stress that enough.
Teen Choice Awards Gone Horribly Wrong.
I’m getting ready to ship off to Canada for the next four days, and running around like a marmoset with gastrointestinal distress (feel free to use that one), so I was glad to find two interesting photo submissions when I checked my email this morning. I count on my friends for content when I’m not feeling especially creative – and they always come through. Because they’re all f*cked.
On the left we have the illustrious Mr. Cornett – kicking it, as he does every year, at the Indy 500. Kicking the shakes and hallucinations after Indy weekend – is another story. My own father also has an interesting Indy drinking story, but he’ll kick my ass if I post that here… so I’ll stick to C-Diddy for the moment. Why is this model wearing a wetsuit you ask? You try standing near Chris after he’s had half a 30 pack of Genessee Cream Ale and all will be revealed.
And on the right, a blog favorite – Gazza. The only human being even more narcissistic than myself. Gaz attended the Teen Choice Awards earlier this week, and had a friend snap this photo when a particularly interesting presenter took to the stage. Yes folks, that’s Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre on the screen in the background. I haven’t heard from Gary recently, and I have a sneaking suspicion that in the next Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel, Leatherface’s mask will be sporting a stripper pubic landing strip on it’s chin.
I’ll check in from my parent’s trailer’s 56k dialup (I wish I was kidding. But at least they don’t have an outhouse. Oh wait. Yes they do.) over the weekend sometime in between JetSki runs. Stay real.
Trailer Park Boys Lament.
I have spoken to several of my American friends here in Boston who have seen Trailer Park Boys on BBC America. Apparently the episodes are being ripped to shreds by the censors. I can no sooner imagine watching TPB full of bleeps than I can Eddie Murphy’s Delerious or Slap Shot. It cripples the show and I’m very sad because this incredibly funny and original Canadian export is not going to get the fair shake it deserves with American audiences.
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Blame Miss Jackson (yes, I’m nasty) and her left breast. I just read an interview with TPB’s creator, Mike Clattenburg, where he said the show was originally contracted to run uncensored – but BBCA changed their minds after the Superbowl Halftime debacle.
TPB has been shot in the foot and is doomed to fail for the same reason the proposed American version of The Office will never work. The creative cussing, colloquialisms and East Coast Canadian vernacular are a large part of what makes the show so endearing, funny and – dare I say – special. They’ve taken the heart and soul out of TPB and I implore anyone who cares to download an episode from the file sharing program of their choice to see it as it was intended.