Appetizer: Make up a word and give us its definition.
Balderdash is the best board game ever devised. If you’ve played it, you already know that the object is to try and bluff/fool your friends into picking your phony definition of a real, but little known, word. One night, senior year of high school, Mike, Kent, Nate and a few others were playing it around my kitchen table. I got the word ‘scumble‘ and defined it as “Any fight taking place in West Concord“. When that particular group would get together and play, the game would become about cracking up your friends. That was one of the hardest laughs I’ve ever had. But I don’t want anyone to think we spent our Friday nights sitting inside playing board games because that would be uncool. Not at all – Friday nights were for Dungeons and Dragons.
Soup: What is currently your favorite song?
I’ve previously stated that pound-for-pound, my all-time favorite song is There Goes The Fear by The Doves. And I imagine it always will be. The Pixies’ amazing rendition of Something Against You last night at Avalon would run a close second. But the album I’m currently playing the hell out of at work is Lou Reed‘s New York. I haven’t given it any attention for a decade, and it’s still brilliant.
Salad: What’s at the top of your Christmas wish list this year?
“My Christmas Wish List” in big, red crayon.
Main Course: Name a scent that reminds you of someone in your life.
Hi Karate always reminds me of a shop teacher I had in grade 7. The rumor was, that this guy had removed the inside of his pants pockets. And had once, while he was holding a piece of wood or a hammer or something, asked a student to reach into his pocket to get a tape measure – where they then found themselves grasping a semi-chubbed giggle stick. This story spread like wild-fire throughout our school, and I always felt bad for the man because he seemed absolutely harmless when I was locked in his office with him looking at Austrian pornography.
Dessert: Who is someone on television that you feel probably shouldn’t be?
Jon Stewart. He’s adored by hundreds of thousands of young, impressionable people who are too thick to discern real news from satire. And he’s violently partisan, which makes it all the more unhealthy. I am the complete opposite of a Jon Stewart fan. Used to go see his stand-up, now all I want to do is see him fall down – on a chainsaw.
Appetizer: Make up a word and give us its definition.
Shitification: The personification of shit – my buddy Chris Bell thought of this term and we almost came to body blows over whether or not it can be deemed as a real word – however, after witnessing the hilarity of The Trailer Park Boys – shitification has to be a real word. Shitification is giving life to shit. It is putting the shit hawk into flight or crying shit wolf when there is no wolf or shit. It is the manifestation of not just a storm – but a storm with shit.
Naybonics: Naybonics is the language of hillbillies – not your typical redneck, but hillbillies and PWT’s (not your regular white trailer park trash… but poor white barefoot trash), also your run of the mill hick – they have a completely different language that sometimes includes clicks, snorts, bahs, and neighs. Remember – hillbillies are ignorant because they don’t know no better – rednecks are ignorant because they are stupid. Funny thing is that my Phi Sigma Alpha fraternity brother speaks Naybonics like no other – surprisingly he is from Naye (sp?), OH.
Citified: I have delivered calves and castrated piglets. When I first moved to Boston I still had hay in my hair – however, I have been officially citified. Being citified is when a country boy or what Boston refers to as country has the country taken out of him and replaced with the city. However, when one is citified it is tragic and this individual basically ends up becoming ostracized by country folk as well as city folk because they are just too fucked in the end based on your every day conversations of experiences. I have always recognized that whereever I go I am different – in the city I am looked at as a hick and in the country I am looked at as a city boy. It is a tough life to lead – therefore I do it drunk.
Soup: What is currently your favorite song?
Queens of The Stone Age – Desert Sessions 5&6
Punk Rock Caveman Living in a Preshistoric Age and Goin to a Hangin (I have been listening to this song probably 2 or 3 times a day and Goin to a Hangin at least once or twice a day).
Queens of The Stone Age – Monster in a Parasol and Headcase with a Smile
Garth Brooks – The River
Also love Alabama’s Dixie Land Delight
Fu Manchu – No Shirt, No Shoes, No Dice and Weird Beard – also King of the Road
Travis – Driftwood
Gordon Downy – Christmas Time In Toronto.
Salad: What’s at the top of your Christmas wish list this year?
A big red rubber cock to beat Dave Pye over the head with. I don’t think it can get much funnier than that – beating someone over the head with a big red rubber santa claus cock. Oh – and a pair of pink mittens for MacPhee.
Main Course: Name a scent that reminds you of someone in your life.
Since you already took Hi-Karate’ then I suppose I have to actually be somewhat serious about this one. Okay – biscuits & gravy reminds me of my mother – no she didn’t break her leg and gravy came oozing out. Actually – my mother is very skinny – skinnier than me at least. Anyway – my mother is a horrible cook, but one thing she can make and she always made it for me is sausage and gravy with drop biscuits. I love waking up in the morning especially saturday or sunday to the smell of biscuits and gravy wafting throughout the house. Irritates my bowels just thinking about it.
Dessert: Who is someone on television that you feel probably shouldn’t be?
You also snatched the Jon Stewart comment, but I suppose you are the one posting this fucking thing. Hmmmm – well to piss you off I could say Colin Quinn – thank god he is off the air – j/k. I think it has to be Regis Philman… I hate that fricking guy. Oh – I think there are many people agreeing with me on this one – Ashton Kucher or whatever the fuck his name is. Star Jones as well and I fricking hate Oprah – also – pretty much anyone on Reality TV. I have been told that I should try out for a Reality TV show on several occasions as I am sure we all have been told at some point… but I hate reality TV show characters so much that I could just never do it. Reality TV is so outdated and last season – it is like pink shirts – just not cool anymore because everyone has one. You know who I really want to punch in the head though is Sr. Teutal from American Choppers – I liked him at first, but he just really pisses me off now and I would love to fight him – I might lose an eye or finger, but it would be so worth saying that I kicked the shit or got the shit kicked out of me by Mr. Teutal – the big cunt that he is.
As a born and bread West Concordian, I would like to use Scumble in a sentence.
I witnessed a great scumble between Mazzeo, and Matt Schwartz in Needle park today over the last dime bag of H. Thank you.
Detroit Velvet Smooth From Moncton. OUT!
Appetizer: Make up a word and give us its definition.
PeytonManningaudible: Don’t know if this is an actual word but I will use it anyway. PeytonManningaudible can be defined as the act of standing at a urinal, suddenly getting the urge to drop a deuce deuce and making a mad dash for a stall. For anyone that is not a football fan an audible is the act of changing the original play at the line of scrimmage when the quarterback deems necessary. Peyton Manning, QB for the Indy Colts, has perfected this skill. I’ve personally witnessed someone calling a “PeytonManningaudible”, its a thing of beauty.
Soup: What is currently your favorite song?
Tough one, but in the spirit of a conversation I had earlier with some colleagues I have to bring up the Hip Hop pioneers, Run DMC. Personally, I am a fan of “Runs House”. These guys inspired me to not only buy my first pair of Adidas(great tune, My Adidas), but also introduced me to a whole new world… HIP HOP!
Salad: What’s at the top of your Christmas wish list this year?
No dildo’s to beat over Mr. Pye’s head, or any big red crayons. My friends I am wishing for world peace. BULLSHIT, at the top of my X-mas list is Osama’s big f’ing head! Merry Christmas!
Main Course: Name a scent that reminds you of someone in your life.
I don’t know about this one, but I’ll tell you guys what, there is one bitch at my current workplace that is honestly the worst smelling person I have ever come across. Picture this, cheap perfume masking: body odor, that nasty “scent of a woman” and aging fungi, kind of like old cheese. I can smell her when she walks into the office. I don’t know, I’m lost on this one.
Dessert: Who is someone on television that you feel probably shouldn’t be?
Being a big sports fan I have to say not only Tim McCarver, but also Joe Buck. Regardless of whether you are a Yankee fan or Red Sox, we can all agree these guys just HAVE to go! These two a-holes can’t even get the players names right, Brandon Arroyo, who the hell is that? I beg of you Fox Sports, please get rid of these two guys!
Crazy Corey aka Tyler Durden is a pro at the PeytonManningAudible.
I hate smelly people that try to mask it by smelling like a french whore. It is like spraying Oust after laying a heat stick. Which only makes it smell like someone shat in the Christmas tree. So during that 30 minutes of the lingering smell you got people trying to see if the cat has laid a rosebud ornament on the lower shelf of the christmas tree. For fucksake people – two proper things regarding ettiquette.
Taking a shower does not mean washing your ass and arm pits in the bathroom sink with a wash cloth – take a real shower and please just light a match – no good trying to cover up the methane – just burn the shit off.
Mr. Pye,
Why do you never mention me in your blog? I’m a legend in the Professional Wrestling world? People refer to me as the Million Dollar Man for christ’s sake, I’m at least worth a mention. You talk about this “Monster” guy more than me? Does the Monster walk around throwing out cash to addoring fans? NO! Does the Monster have a lil bitch named Virgil following him around? NO!
Come on Pye, people want to hear about Ted Deviosi, The Million Dollar Man!
Hey Teddy! Smokes!!!! Now FUCK OFF!