Appetizer: Tell about a toy you remember from your childhood.
In 1978 I was given a remote controlled R2-D2 for Christmas. And get this – it went forwards and backwards. So I could pretend I was a Jawa and chase R2, or I could pretend I was some sort of droid-a-phobe and run away from him. I could also aim him directly at my father’s shin, hide behind the couch and then let him rip. Yep… pretty much limited to chasing, running from or inflicting bodily harm on parental units. Now I realize why I got nuthin’ but Nerf the following year.
Soup: If you could make one thing free for everyone, what would it be?
Healthcare. And Airborne Effervescent Health Formula. It saved my life this week. On a side note, I’m going to be Osama Pye Laden this weekend, so don’t bother looking for me. I’ve had a nagging sickyness for days and days. I just want to relax on the couch, play video games and snort vitamin C. Oh, and then there’s the hour tomorrow when I’ll be online frantically trying to get tickets for the December 9th show. And those should be free, too.
Salad: How many times per day do you think about your significant other?
Whenever I file my nails, trim my cuticles, read my own palm, use hand cream or practice new shadow puppets. If you didn’t like that joke, try this one: I hadn’t thought about her in a couple of hours but then I accidentally unplugged my freezer and she began to stink. Damn it, Mai Lin – why couldn’t you have just shut your fat Malaysian mouth?
Main Course: Name something you believe in 100%.
That John Kerry is now working as a bartender at the Lowell Brewing Company. He and Teresa must be on the outs. If you don’t believe me, go see for yourself. Take in a Lockmonsters game, find some crack to buy and then head to the brewery to see John. He’s a little down in the dumps these days.
Dessert: List 3 things you did this year that you would consider a “good deed.”
How about 1, demanding quizzlet? I jumped on a grenade just the other night. My roomate had some of her friends in town, and as I was feeling sick I opted to go and spend the night at my sister’s – because I knew they’d keep me up and that I’d end up throwing something sharp at them while snot ran down my face. What I got in return was a red wine stain down the length of my stairwell wall, a nasty call from the building manager and a sound scratching from my sister’s new kitten who is possessed by the spirit of Jeffrey Dahmer. Fuck a deed.
Appetizer: Tell about a toy you remember from your childhood.
‘The Stick & Rock’ – My mother never allowed me to play with toy guns as a kid in kindergarten, but every day after school in Daytona Beach we would play Red Dawn and blow the shit out of non-existent Commies. Problem is that all of my buddies had real toy guns that made noise as well as fake plastic grenades, nunchakas, and chinese stars. All I had was a stick for a gun and a rock that I used for a grenade, which I thought was great – but I had to make sound effects. So I was always the heel in the group and never killed any Commies b/c my gun didn’t work ‘properly’. I got back at those pieces of poor white trash though when a local gang asked me to join for my most excellent skills in BoStaff. Showed those Nazi punks when we went Ninja style on their fake guns.
Soup: If you could make one thing free for everyone, what would it be? I want to say porn, but that would be too indecent. Definitely buffalo wings and nachos. Buffalo wings are way too overpriced at least in the New England area… come on – it is the fucking worst part of the chicken besides the asshole and feet. I have never had chicken asshole, but from guessing how the foot tastes – I would have to imagine it is pretty shite. Nachos are way too overpriced as well. I think though if we bring down the price of both buffalo wings and nacho’s we might be able to solve world peace for many nations, religions, and ethnicities.
Salad: How many times per day do you think about your significant other?
Should we say significunt. The women that have ever been significant are your typical run of the mill succubusses in disguise – they suck my creative juices (which are supplied by drugs and liquor) dry. I plan on dying poor and alone – if you don’t set your expectations high then you never have to worry about letting yourself down. Seriously, significant other, the only thing I have that is significant is that green mole’ burrito I hade for lunch that cost $3.60 from the beaner Restraunt. And that damn wetback wrap is reminding me how significunt it was right now.
Main Course: Name something you believe in 100%.
Baby Wipes – I think that every bathroom in the United States should have baby wipes placed into them. Why – because your arse almost feels shower clean when used after taking a ginormous shit or just a little shat. It is the cure all for swamp ass. I try to carry them whereever I go as well as some provided tucks in case a hemoroid pops. I also believe in matches in the bathroom to burn off that horrid smelling methane fume that our body exumes after we relieve ourself of our excrement.
Dessert: List 3 things you did this year that you would consider a “good deed.” Bought a homeless guy a shitload of groceries then we bought a bottle of poor quality vodka and drank it behind Verna’s Convienent Store in Central Square. Come on – three is pushing a bit isn’t it. I think the fact that I shower is one good deed and use baby wipes after I dump a huge shit in the komode is another. Oh haven’t had a drink in 7 days – I am sure many of you Monster haters can appreciate that and at least find it somewhere in your black hearts to consider it a good deed.