Friday’s Quizzlet: Many Monkey References.

Appetizer: Who is the easiest person for you to talk to?
Probably my Grandmother, because she never remembers a word. I could tell her the house has been surrounded by killer purple space monkeys bent on the domination of Earth, and 5 minutes later she’d be making me a grilled cheese.

Soup: If you could live in any ancient city, which would you choose?
Based on all the filthy, deviant sex portrayed on the new HBO series, Rome – uh, Rome. Friends, Romans, countrymen – show me your titties.

Salad: What is the most exciting event you’ve ever witnessed?
I saw a woman get fatally hit by a car in the old Combat Zone around 1989. What I was doing in the Zone at 14 years of age is anybody’s guess. But if you were to guess ‘procuring a fake ID’ you’d be correct. I was also at the Triumph the Insult Comic Dog DVD taping, and will probably be all over the new live Pixies DVD. Anyone who knows me is well aware of my vast library of stories. On a related note, stay tuned for the re-launch of my old “30 Tall Tales” feature. In the meantime you can read about Evil Inka and the Attack of the Spider Monkeys.

Main Course: If you were a celebrity, what would you do for a publicity stunt?
I’d grow a goatee, don some aviators and travel around New Orleans in a rickety boat – in 2 feet of water. I’d also make sure the boat was crammed with my entourage, including a photographer who would capture my impromptu selfless deeds for prosperity. There’d be so many people on board, casually documenting my narcissistic rescue efforts, that the boat would eventually sink – leaving me to look quite the soaking wet twat. Oh darn – someone beat me to it.

Dessert: What do you consider the ideal age to have a first child?
My parents had me when they were both 33, so I am using that as my benchmark. Which means I have exactly a year and a half to find my baby’s momma. Is that enough time to fall in love, copulate, spawn, fight and have a restraining order filed? I think yes.