Appetizer: Name something you’ll miss about 2005.
I’ll really miss the way the number 5 looks like a little testicle at the end of the two zeros. I look forward to 2007, when I’ll get emails and letters sent to me with dates at the top and I’ll wonder – is this really a bill from Keyspan, or is James Bond sending me a secret code? Is my gas about to be shut off, or has Blofeld escaped from the underground MI6 volcano prison. It will be exciting to try and figure that out every day.
Salad: What is one thought that went through your mind today?
Sweet Charity am I ever late for work! I got all the way to the Haymarket T stop and had waited for the train a good 10 minutes before I realized I left my laptop in my living room. I had to go all the way back to get it and bounded into the office 10 minutes before a conference call. So I was wicked prepared, covered in snow and still nailed it.
Soup: On a scale of 1-10 how compassionate would you say you are?
If I can quote Duran Duran for a second – City living, heavy trouble. City living rough. We are given angry hearts, but angers’ not enough. I think what Simon leBon is saying here is along the lines of living in the city for an extended period of time can make you apathetic, please get me another young cock.
Main Course: If you could invent something, what would it be?
I’m not telling you, you sneaky patent-collecting quizzlet. My supersonic peanut machine gun vibrator will be ready when it’s ready. And I’ve already invented whatever the lifeform is that inhabits the boilers in my building and keeps blowing out the pilots. Not to be confused with criteria for joining the Mile-High Club.
Dessert: Do you prefer salty snacks or sweet treats?
Salty snacks I’d have to say. My friend Mike once pointed out the error in calling someone a saltoholic. And alcoholic is called that because they are addicted to alcohol. So by the same logic, someone addicted to salt should be called a saltlic. So you’ll frequently find me hanging out in meadows being tongued by dairy cows. You haven’t lived…
Appetizer: Name something you’ll miss about 2005.
All the 2006 model cars – can’t wait for 2006 so I can see all the 2007s. The Gomery Inquiry, the closest thing Canada had to the OJ Simpson trial. My youth.
Salad: What is one thought that went through your mind today?
Why the hell am I hung over again on Friday morning? It really is sad to say, but how many of us can go more than four days without having a single drink? I know I can’t.
Soup: On a scale of 1-10 how compassionate would you say you are?
“You’re passionate… No, you’re passin’ the liquor store!” Ah, a classic Canadian joke – speaks for itself, I guess.
Main Course: If you could invent something, what would it be?
Synthahol, harmless cigarettes and fat free chicken wings – then a replicator to produce them all.
Dessert: Do you prefer salty snacks or sweet treats?
Salty. Unless they’re Chef’s salty chocolate balls…