Guiltless Movie Pleasures

When my parents left for Florida last month I moved my office down to a fold-out table/desk thing on the main floor. I keep the TV on all day (surprisingly, the background noise helps me concentrate) and between working and chilling spend the vast majority of my time on the same couch in close proximity to the idiot box. I ordered a big cable package and the possibilities when it comes to movie channels are painfully endless. I don’t envy the people who have to program these channels. Filling 24 hours every day of the month with enough unique content to keep subscribers happy must be a daunting task. Not surprisingly, I have watched some pretty obscure and forgotten movies recently that I’d like to discuss. BTW – my country ass connection won’t let me upload photos today, so no quotelet.

Andre (1994): This sea salty tearjerker, in the tradition of Flipper and Free Willy, tells the tale of an aquatic creature named ‘Andre’ who becomes a pet to a small family in Maine (I think). The little daughter becomes the mischievous seal’s biggest fan and after it bugged me for a half an hour I finally realized it was a 9-year-old ‘Deb’ from Napoleon Dynamite. Anyway, not to put too fine a point on it, I largely ignored the movie until I started to hear the fart sounds. If I had a nickel. The seal, who is actually a sea lion playing a seal, gives a big old raspberry to anyone who is mean to a family member or with whom he is otherwise displeased. I watched the last 45 minutes intently, patiently waiting for the Bronx cheers which would then have me laughing hysterically. And you won’t believe how cute the whiskers on this thing are. I’d definitely pick this up for my younger cousins. Cute, funny and a little naughty, tee hee.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaQLFlrbxU4[/youtube]

Alien Nation (1988): When the TV series spin-off hit Fox in the early 90s, I used to watch it on Monday nights without fail. But I forgot how… good… the original movie is. The cast is solid: James Caan plays the tough-as-nails cop who has to partner with a ‘newcomer’ the day after his partner is killed by one. Mandy Patinkin plays ‘San Francisco’, the new partner and new resident of Planet Earth who stares adversity in the face and all that good stuff. The slang term for a newcomer, “slag”, is an obvious nod to your pick of human racial epithets and the story hinges heavily on Detective Francisco’s ability to rise above the human scorn and become an excellent lawman. Terence Stamp rounds out the cast as the main baddie and the flick is an action-packed slug-fest with great, funny dialogue between Caan and Patinkin and a slanted take on the buddy cop movie.

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6dMTwURRns[/youtube]

Ghost Dog (1999): I think the very definition of ‘suspension of disbelief’ is accepting a chunky Forrest Whittaker as a sort of lithe urban samurai. Unless the ancient code has somehow been changed to “my sword must taste blood every time it is unsheathed… and then I must eat 6 corn dogs.” A good friend of mine has sung the praises of this film to me for years, so I sorta paid attention when it ran on TMC this very afternoon. The narrative structure pulls chapters from the samurai creedo which act as… chapters, applying to the Dog’s adventure and actions along the way. I knew the soundtrack had been produced by the RZA before I looked the movie up as the gritty beats are unmistakable and lend themselves well to the tone of the movie. And I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sight of a 70-year-old mobster dancing around to his bathroom to ‘Cold Lampin’ With Flava’ and reciting it word for word while dumping talc in his ass crack. A truly unique movie and I done liked it.

What’s the ‘worst’ bad movie you’ll admit to loving? This site used to get lots of comments from many different people every day – and I know most of you are still reading. How about a little give and take here? A little tete a tete? Some cinematic back and forth, perhaps? Where is Alexa, Cato, Mike, Kellie and Janet? Where’s DVS, Smash and Timmy the Keyhole? Where’s Greg, Duck, Watergirl and Loo Loo? Who can forget JV, Monster, Hammer and Heather? Come back to me, my children of the night.