Perhaps you’d like to listen to me blather on about A&E’s The First 48 a little more? Fantastic then. As I’ve already mentioned, it’s basically CSI in the real world – cameras follow around seasoned homicide detectives as they bag dead guys literally, and then bag bad guys figuratively. I can’t get enough of it, and as I devour episode after episode On Demand as I try and get to sleep each night, I’ve slowly become sort of an authority on murder best practices. I’m going to condense a few time saving tips I’ve collected should you be contemplating the premeditated slaughter of another human being. Whatever I can do to help.
1. Try and stick to the prostitutes. The majority of the unsolved murders seem to be unfortunate streetwalkers whose families just assume they’ve been croaked anyway. “You found her dead in a ditch? That’s too bad, because her father and I always dreamed she’d end up decapitated and stuffed in a footlocker.”
2. Burn that shit. I mean seriously. When these cops find a corpse that’s been torched, they don’t know where to begin. No fingerprints, no DNA no driver’s license, no dice.
3. If you have an accomplice, be sure to kill them too. Maybe not right away, but do your best to get around to it. They’ll get arrested for something else and no matter how insignificant the charge (think jaywalking) they’ll flip on you for the previous murder. Like a flapjack.
I could continue, but I don’t want to be perceived someone who is sick, deranged and potentially dangerous. I am only trying to help those who truly are – get a leg up. Even if that leg used to be attached to a sex worker.
David, David, David,
Although you were recently in Montreal, you missed the film festival opening of “Holmoka”. I will not speak any more of those twisted c.u.n.t.e.s. Burn mother fuckers burn!!! for the record..someone will take Carla out…
Sticking up for prostitutes…well I don’t necessarily have a problem with that…maybe they are just trying to get by and make a living.
Dude…it takes serious amounts of burning to properly burn a corpes and remove all the DNA, evidence etc. Trust me…I watch TLC, Discovery, etc.
Professionals don’t have accomplices…and if you do..you “take care of that thing”, just like Jimmy Conway does.
I could continue, but I don’t want to be perceived as someone who is sick, deranged and potentially dangerous.
Re: accomplices – none of the guys on this show are pros. They’re all dirtbags who mug/screw someone with their buddies and end up killing them by mistake. “I won’t tell if you won’t!” “OK! Pinkie swear!”
Thanks for the tip on the show. I have OnDemand but haven’t taken full advantage of this feature. I have three other things for you:
1) When & what channel is this Hulk Hogan show on you’ve referenced before?
2) Have you seen the latest “celebrity look-alikes” on Boston.com? They have nothing on me, how come I haven’t been selected for the whole Mr. Big thing?
3) Dark & Stormy’s… very dangerous.
Dave,
Tuesday you talked about Ted Kaczynski. Yesterday you talked about “The Dead” and today you give us tips on how to cover up an accidental hooker mishap? You are starting to scare me. Can’t we go back to talking about Chunky’s and Grumpy’s?
BDoyle, I believe the Hogan show, which I actually like, is on VHI.
Best practices… hahaha. That made me laugh my ass off. Of course, I’m too busy staying up until 3am watching Chip Foose pinstripe muscle cars to kill anything but kittens (figuratively).
It does what it is told…
1.) Doyle – Hogan Knows is best is on VH1. As it’s VH1, I’m sure it’s on 8 million times a week.
2.) The lookalikes on Boston.com are, with few exceptions, ridiculous and borderline delusional. It should just be you in the entire section. 70 pictures of you. I have potatoes in a bag under my sink that look more like half the celebrities on there.
3.) I am well aware of the dangers of the dark and stormy. My sister even made a Flash movie mocking my experiences one night back when I was still drinking like a scorned Viking. You must have missed it the first time I linked to it:
http://www.wolfdj.com/dark.htm
Don’t be a Sally – when I use to drink like a scorned Viking… when 3 months ago… When have you ‘recently’ became a shorned viking… just because you take’er easy every once in a while doesn’t mean Eric the Red or Yellow Beard are gonna stop showing up to parties.
You are one of them Fancy Lads aren’t ya!
Dave,
Saw the movie, excellent job by your sister. The movie was what sparked my interest in the Dark & Stormy.
Good stuff
Monster, if I were to write a list entitled “The Top Ten Things Monster Should NEVER Lecture Dave Regarding”, drinking alcohol would be #2.
Totally agree on point #3… It’s always the accomplices that f*ck you in the end!
If I were a prostitute, I would soooooooo avoid your basement.
But, seriously, haven’t you always wanted to say, “It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again”. Psychosis has its privileges.
I hope the Hulkster isn’t sinking too much money into his daughter’s music career. I just saw the Hogan Knows best episode of Larry King Live… yikes!
Always kill alone and if your good you kill ’em where you burry ’em… like the base ball bat scene in Casino.
Keo – I bet 3 to 4 people on this blog already have.